Today I Turn 39

Today I turn 39 and I woke up in tears. Tears that have been staying in since Thursday night when we were once again in the ER with Ryan, a kid that has had an IV more times than his Dad and I combined. Turns out, he’s OK. But he gives us a run for our money every time. Because he is OK and my job is to make sure he knows and feels that, I didn’t let myself feel it. So this morning, I turned 39 and I climbed into bed next to him and I let myself cry. One part release that I hadn’t given myself at 2 am Thursday night. And one part realization that I may not make it to 40. Because if my heart gets any more full, it’ll burst.

Gratitude is a word I hear a lot. Yoga teachers love it. And that’s not a knock on them. We should be reminded of it regularly. But sometimes when you hear something a lot, it loses its impact. This morning, I’m feeling it in a way I’m not sure I have before. I’m grateful that Ryan is healthy. So so grateful. But I’m equally as grateful that Casey is the most resilient child I know. She rolls with everything without fear. And with poise and grace. She got carted off to Aunt Meg and Uncle John’s at 10 pm Thursday and thought having a sleepover on a school night was better than Christmas morning. And I’m grateful for the many people in our lives we are lucky to have come to call family. They are the people who are taking care of things before you can even complete the ask. They know what you need before you do and they’re on it. Many of them stayed awake on Thursday night so that we weren’t alone, even if they weren’t physically with us.

And again, he’s ok. So all of that aside. I don’t think I could want for anything more on my 39th. We have managed to create a life that has our children having many parents, not just two. And has me having the sisters I never had. The women who walk alongside me, cheer me on, hold me up, if necessary, and ensure I celebrate it all. And I say “we” have created this life because I can’t remember a time when it was just mine. Henny is my complement. My person. And the only person who may appreciate the kind of man he is more than I do is Casey. She adores her Daddy in a way I could have only hoped and prayed. He shows her how a girl should be treated. And he shows her how to make a mean jump shot. Two essentials in life.

We’re also two of those lucky people who get to say we love what we do for work. I’m beyond grateful that Casey and Ryan will know loving your career is possible. As long as you work for it. We’re approaching the one year mark on our forever home and it was the best decision we’ve made to date. We have parents who are proud of us and still guiding us no matter how old we get and a brother and sister-in-law who are probably always going to be the first people we’d choose to spend time with. We have friends who have become family and children who are healthy and laugh more than they cry. So like I said, I may not make it to 40. My heart won’t be able to take it.

Reflections on the Best Week Ever

“Best vacation week yet.” That’s what we all seem to say at the end of our annual beach week in Sea Isle City with four other families. We have 10 adults and 11 kids total. And we’ve just passed year 5 with this same group. And we mean it when we say it. It truly does get better every year. The first year, our youngest was a newborn. And man how things have changed since then. There are no more naps, at least in this immediate group. But we’re continuing to welcome new faces each year. And loving every minute of it, Dani and Tucker Dunn. But for the group that has been a solid part of this every year, things have gotten easier and so much more fun. Days and days spent on the beach. Can Jam, football catches, horseshoes, boogie boards, skim boards, body surfing and getting rolled by waves. And lest we forget day after day of Fudgy Wudgy. “Hey, Ice Cream! Two Ball Screwball, Choco Taco!” And then happy hours, while the kids take over the lifeguard stand, until the sun starts to go on us. It’s also morning coffee on the deck with some of my most favorite people in life. And sore abs from all of the laughter (certainly not from the exercise!).

We have all managed to find a group that we are so extremely comfortable living with for a week. We’d make it longer if we could. My immediate family was lucky enough to do that this summer, as we moved from the house with our friends to the house with the grandparents. And we’ve been lucky enough to find many other friends who are vacationing this week that we’ve gotten to “play” with. But on the times we have not found that, my two little knuckleheads have managed to find moments of bliss, between the spats. And I’ve enjoyed being with them. Mostly during the moments of bliss.

So today, on our last day of our vacation, I’m so happy to look back on yet another of the best weeks to date. We love our crew and already can’t wait for next summer’s BEST WEEK EVER.

As Summer Should Be.

I’m listening to the kids play outside for what has to be going on their 3rd or 4th hour now and I smiling as do every time I hear those joyful summer noises. It has been almost exactly 6 months to the day that we moved into our new home and neighborhood. My very first blog post was about an hour before the moving trucks came to transport us here. And that day was such a sign of our lives to come. We had roughly 5 families of friends helping to move us in, organizing our kitchen and making sure we didn’t lose our minds. My parents came in with hoagies and a couple cases of beer and slowly backed out. It was being handled. And what has transpired since that day has been nothing short of awesome. The home is our dream home. And I could go on about the fun we’ve had making decorating decisions and the way too much money we’ve spent seeing those plans through. But what I’ve realized in the past few weeks of summer is that although all four of us love this home, it’s the neighborhood that will most specifically change our lives. It already has.

This summer has been filled witjh endless outdoor play with the neighbors. Not even touching on the many of our closest friends who live within a mile of our home, which, in a few words, has been ridiculously fun. However, in the most adjacent of houses, we have 8 kids total. 4 boys and 4 girls. The age span in roughly 8 years from youngest to oldest. When they weren’t at the pool or at the beach, all of these kids have been outdoors together. From first thing in the morning til it’s time to come in for rests and dinner. And they all play together. Screens have been at a minimum for us this summer and that is nothing short of miraculous given the amount of time we’re home.

They’re inventive and creative. They laugh and scream, and inevitably someone cries. Usually my son. But they’re out there doing water sports, learning to ride Ripstik’s together, playing hide and go seek, card games like War and coming up with many of their very own versions of jail break and kick the can. Their favorite is one they call “territory.” There are ice pops, juice boxes, bowls of Cheez-Its and popcorn. And lots and lots of sunkissed faces. It’s the childhood we had and we are so very thrilled to have moved to a place we can give that gift to them.

This picture is their summer. Ryan and Casey are so grateful to have met all of these wonderful kids. But it’s Henny and I who are feeling the most blessed.

Some days...

Henny and I both had a really hard time falling asleep last night and then not long after I finally did, I was awoken by a needing to be replaced smoke alarm battery. Beep. Beep. Beep. But I needed some yoga badly this morning so I dragged myself out of bed at 6:30. I’m never sad I that I went. But in the class, a strange feeling of discomfort came over me. Perhaps it’s because swim team is over for my kids and we’re heading into the second half of a summer that’s going too fast. Or practicing with a friend who I am sad will be moving away soon. Or thinking about the big changes that will come our way in the next year. Could be any combination of things, but as a result, I left class with a heaviness. I don’t like feeling sad or unsure about things. Who does? But I’m learning to accept those times, let them settle and be, know that they will move on and to try not to panic about them. But what they often manifest in me is feelings of self doubt. That I’m not on the right track. That others are doing things way better than me. As a Mom, a business owner, a spouse or friend. I’m not a huge fan of change. Even though 95% of the time, it’s a good thing. The process is a tough one for me. And it’s easier to be hard on myself than it is to trust in myself, my instincts and my abilities and the truth that everything will turn out as it should.

So today is one of those days that I’ll have to do my best to remember that self doubt does me no good. That my children are happy and know they are loved. They are enjoying every bit of summer and I’m certain I’ve had something to do with that. That my husband is my best friend and biggest supporter and that I am a very good friend and have gotten my complete return on investment in that department.

And finally, that even after 5 years in business, getting worried or nervous about my work is ok, but it gets me nowhere. That people hire me because they love what I deliver and the way I do it. For no other reason. And that zone I get into when the lens cap comes off is my zen and my gift.

But we’re all human and days of heaviness will come. It’s all in what we do with them. Right? Right?

In My Rearview

This blog is something I have been wanting to do for so many years. In fact, this post draft had an original date of June 6, 2011. That’s a long time ago. Originally, I had wanted to name this endeavor In My Rearview. My friends and brand experts at Untuck Design talked me into keeping it simple and close to my business brand. So it has a secondary name, and I’m sticking to it. Because this will be so much more than just about my business. But Kelly Hennigan Photography provided the platform and I jumped off. I’ll explain with two words. “Four eyes.” Not the reference to adolescent teasing of those who wore glasses. This four eyes explains my connection to In My Rearview and the origination of the concept in the lyrics of a Jack Johnson song.

Four eyes total. Two sets. That’s what I see In My Rearview mirror everyday. They belong to my partners in crime. My cohorts. My team. My passengers on this amazing road. More than anything, they are the reason this business exists. Not because I picked up a camera when I had these wonderful kids. Not even close. I’d picked it up long before that. But they are why I have been able to get here. Because in that mirror, I see nothing but motivation for chasing my dreams. Not only because they back me unconditionally. But more so because I catch myself almost daily wondering where their thoughts take them and what their dreams will be. Hoping they’ll have the guts to pursue them. Hoping they’ll see their Mom as another role model for doing just that. They already have one in their Dad.

In addition, In My Rearview, there are so many experiences and people that became the building blocks for this life. Each step and each stumble taught me more about how much I not only wanted to be here, but how to get here. In My Rearview, I faced the fear of failure and let it take a backseat to the fear of stagnation. To the fear of not being the best version of me. To the fear of 10 years from now, looking back and wishing I had done it. I knew the worst thing I could do for myself, my husband and those four eyes was to never do what I kept telling myself and others I “hoped” to do someday.

In My Rearview, I found that someday was now.

Now was actually five years ago and what a ride it has been. It’s gone beyond what I dreamed it could be so quickly and I cannot wait to find out what else it has in store. So I’ll keep looking In My Rearview. It has yet to steer me wrong.

“I gave you your life, but you gave me mine.” – Jack Johnson, Go On.